Friday, June 15, 2007

Well, For Goodness Sake!

In my effort to improve myself and to pay more than lip service to My Good Intentions, (see entry The Road to Hell), I neglected to make a notation about my bad language. I do tend to swear...a lot. Of course, I only do this in the comfort of my own home. When in public I swear with reckless abandon, but solely in my head. I know there are those who believe that thoughts are actually as bad as deeds. I am not sure, but I will err on the side of caution and declare that my "mental" cussing has got to stop as well. I have to say a large thank you to the good angel who now and then visits that I never once, in all my years of teaching, swore out loud. Now this doesn't mean that I didn't want to scream obscenities at times, but praise be, it never happened. It's a damned (oops!) miracle.
I believe that if you give up a habit you will need to find another to replace that which you are abandoning. Of course the new habit needs to be a good one. My job is to identify new and acceptable words to use in the place of the often four letter, monosyllabic motes I throw out when vexed. I've come up with a few that I am going to practice using. Wish me luck. Somehow they just don't seem to have the same impact and verve of my old standbys, but that's probably because they are new and foreign to me. I'll be more comfortable with them in a few weeks. Practice makes perfect!
Based on past disasters, I present alternatives to my usual expletives.

"Oh, for mercy sake! I just lacerated my knuckles on the grater and there's blood in the cabbage."

"Well, my stars, would you look at that? Silly me! I stepped in a dog turd and managed to get it in the carpet. I'll just clean that up in a jiff!"

"I know I bought blueberries and cantaloupe, but they're not here with everything else. Gee whiz, I'll just hop in the car and go back to the grocery store. It'll only take fifty five minutes out of my afternoon."

"Heavens to Betsy! I didn't notice that little tear in the vacuum cleaner bag. Land 'o Goshen, that dust and dog hair sure can fly all over."

"Oh, pshaw, I don't mind typing my blog entry all over again for the fourth time."

"Well, I declare, if that old dryer isn't eating our clothes again."

"Oops. Wow, that hurts. I guess I shouldn't have tried to step over the electric fence. For pity sakes! That's a real crotch zapper!"

"Goodness gracious! I've been on hold for thirty five minutes. Mercy me, I just can't seem to connect with a real human being."

"Well, I swan! I didn't see that plastic wrap on the ham when I put it in the oven."



marylou said...

I have just picked myself up from the floor to compose this note to you...albeit, I am not composed!! I am bent over with laughter! What a delightfully funny blog! I love finding a new blog thru an old friend via a new friend?????? This blogging system is amazing:) Humor, is such a delicious medicine 4 so many ailments:)Thanks for the chuckle and %##@@# and ##*@!! and one more for the road....&#$#$@! Gosh, so glad I got those CUSS words off my chest:)
Hugs to Life!
Peace, Marylou

Marti said...

Heaven's to Betsy is perhaps one of my favourites! Although I must admit, 'crotch zapper' is climbing the list!!

Paula said...

This is hystercal, Ellen! You missed my favorite ~ Golly Gee!!