Well, For Goodness Sake!

In my effort to improve myself and to pay more than lip service to My Good Intentions, (see entry The Road to Hell), I neglected to make a notation about my bad language. I do tend to swear...a lot. Of course, I only do this in the comfort of my own home. When in public I swear with reckless abandon, but solely in my head. I know there are those who believe that thoughts are actually as bad as deeds. I am not sure, but I will err on the side of caution and declare that my "mental" cussing has got to stop as well. I have to say a large thank you to the good angel who now and then visits that I never once, in all my years of teaching, swore out loud. Now this doesn't mean that I didn't want to scream obscenities at times, but praise be, it never happened. It's a damned (oops!) miracle.
I believe that if you give up a habit you will need to find another to replace that which you are abandoning. Of course the new habit needs to be a good one. My job is to identify new and acceptable words to use in the place of the often four letter, monosyllabic motes I throw out when vexed. I've come up with a few that I am going to practice using. Wish me luck. Somehow they just don't seem to have the same impact and verve of my old standbys, but that's probably because they are new and foreign to me. I'll be more comfortable with them in a few weeks. Practice makes perfect!
Based on past disasters, I present alternatives to my usual expletives.

"Oh, for mercy sake! I just lacerated my knuckles on the grater and there's blood in the cabbage."

"Well, my stars, would you look at that? Silly me! I stepped in a dog turd and managed to get it in the carpet. I'll just clean that up in a jiff!"

"I know I bought blueberries and cantaloupe, but they're not here with everything else. Gee whiz, I'll just hop in the car and go back to the grocery store. It'll only take fifty five minutes out of my afternoon."

"Heavens to Betsy! I didn't notice that little tear in the vacuum cleaner bag. Land 'o Goshen, that dust and dog hair sure can fly all over."

"Oh, pshaw, I don't mind typing my blog entry all over again for the fourth time."

"Well, I declare, if that old dryer isn't eating our clothes again."

"Oops. Wow, that hurts. I guess I shouldn't have tried to step over the electric fence. For pity sakes! That's a real crotch zapper!"

"Goodness gracious! I've been on hold for thirty five minutes. Mercy me, I just can't seem to connect with a real human being."

"Well, I swan! I didn't see that plastic wrap on the ham when I put it in the oven."


Best!

If the Road to Hell

is paved with good intentions, then I'll be there in record time. My road is no super highway with interchanges, clover leafs (leaves?), on-ramps and definitely no off-ramps. There are no potholes, no caution signs, no curves and no stop lights. It is Green to Go all the way. My road's straight as an arrow. It lacks rest stops, school crossings, zebra crossings and round abouts. There are no scenic byways, no signs indicating points of interest or historic places, no battlefields, or commemorative plaques. No one has left one bit of history along my road. Famous generals, explorers or pilgrims have never been within shouting distance. No bridges exist and certainly no warning signs for moose, elk, deer or the occasional duck or armadillo x-ing. There is nothing sentimental about my road. It's no Route 66. There are no kicks. It's all business.
I present an abbreviated notation of my Good Intentions:

Hunt down all of my magazines, organize them or donate them to the library
Do some harvesting in the frig.
Re-wash the load of clothes I left in the washer two days ago
Organize my work room (oh, that'll take about a week)
Hide my husband's beer cans that are taking over the carport
Put some of my books in the bookshelf (now there's a new concept)
Make the bed before 4:00p.m.
Wipe the dog hair off of the toilet seats
Actually employ the Swiffer Duster
Take the pile of new fabric off of the piano bench and put it somewhere (?)
Find the vacuum cleaner

Should you at any time, on any given day, hear the break of the sound barrier or suddenly feel all of the oxygen being sucked out of the air around you, do not be alarmed. Try to stay calm and know that before you can even wave, it's merely me at Mach speed, all Hypersonic,tearing ass down my Road to Hell.
Best!